“When we reveal ourselves to our partner and find that this brings healing rather than harm, we make an important discovery-that intimate relationship can provide a sanctuary from the world of facades, a sacred space where we can be ourselves, as we are…. This kind of unmasking-speaking our truth, sharing our inner struggles, and revealing our raw edges-is sacred activity, which allows two souls to meet and touch more deeply”
I process my relationships often. How am I in the relationship? am I being vulnerable? am I not being vulnerable? Have I told this person I love/appreciate them? Am I communicating with them about my wants, needs, emotions, etc? Am I listening to them?
I currently do not have a partner and this is something I tend to think about often. I have been single for awhile now and although I would enjoy a partner this time has allowed me to focus more on myself. Yes, I have put in effort to take that step with multiple people since I have been single and it has not worked out. I could be petty right now, but I will say I am thankful…
Here is the thing. I do not think men put in as much effort as they used to. A friend of mine said “we have men acting like women and women acting like men.” I am aware this statement is gender binary and this post. When I think about the men I have tried to take that step with I feel like I was putting in more effort.
Is it too much to ask to want to be pursued? I do not think so (another conversation my friend and I had). No I am not afraid to ask a guy on a date.
Unfortunately, I have reached a point where I am tired. I do not want to continue to be vulnerable and have to continually go through a process of healing. I can hear someone now saying “well why do you keep picking the same type of guy.” I dislike this statement so much. Why is it so hard for someone to be straight up? then I would excuse myself from the situation and take my efforts elsewhere. In the moment it can be challenging for me to decipher the mixed messages or figure out when I should give up.
No I am not your false vision. Yes there will be times when I get on your nerves, yes I am going to challenge you, yes I am going to care about what you are doing, yes I want you to challenge me, no I am not perfect, yes there are times I am serious, yes I am weird and awkward…I am many things. Many great things I might add. I have been told more times than I can count now that I am mature for my age and I feel like I am the person a guy wants to take that next step with when they are ready to settle down and get married (like wayyy later in life). If this is the case I am not the one and if you are ready for that type of thing then by all means I am the one. What I am trying to say is, I do not want you to drag me along while I hold onto false hope. I have had multiple experiences like this because they cannot communicate with me about their intentions. I am not saying this has happened with every single guy but about 98% of them.
I could potentially be slightly bitter for my time being wasted and I have learned multiple lessons. I do not want to learn anymore lol.
It’s challenging when I hear my friends say “all guys are the same” “eff guys” “i’m scared” and here I am trying to give them hope to hold onto when I keep going through these situations.
All this to say love is a choice. You choose who you love. No it may not be exactly like the story of how your parents met (a story for another time *kanyeShrug). No it may not be some glorified romantic movie type ish because relationships are challenging and worth it when you find someone worth your time. Love is many things and often we are too scared to talk about it or we think about it as something we cannot put into words. We describe it as a feeling when it is much more than that. This is where we get caught up when we do not have this super strong feeling like you see on your tv screen and that is why…
Love is a choice
In the end, I will continue to put in effort and continue to lead with love because that is who I am. I will continue to be hopeful because I know I am worthy.
Book Recommendation: all about love by bell hooks. Your perspective on love will change and I could go on and on in this post about what I read, but I think you should read it yourself. Take time to reflect on all of your relationships.
Special shoutout to my dear friend Meredith who is my valentines every year. I am thankful for our friendship and I appreciate that you allow me to be apart of your life. Love you =)
**Before words are twisted I am not at all saying that those who are gay have a choice. You do not have a choice which gender you feel attracted to.