Say Yes: Tinder and Fetishization

Say Yes: Tinder and Fetishization

I decided 2K17 is my “year of yes.”

Recently, I re-downloaded tinder (my swipe left game is strong on this app) and re-downloaded Soul Swipe as well. I downloaded these apps with zero intentions to date. I am in a process of healing and trying to do more for myself.

I am chillin’ in a “if it happens it happens” state.

I was super liked on tinder and decided to find out who it was. It happened to be a white male, which rendered zero surprise because that app is full of white males out here in rural Amerikkka. I was planning to swipe left again until I noticed something.

He was a member of Alpha Phi Alpha Fraternity, Inc. a traditionally Black fraternity. I found this interesting because the last couple of people I tried to pursue were Alphas **laughing on the inside. I also have friends who are Alphas and I find them to be respectable men. I decided to like him because the curious part of me had questions.

Not necessarily because he is a white male in a traditionally Black fraternity because he is definitely not the first…

Before I continue I do not date white men. If you have read the article by Tanzila Ahmed, “Why I Don’t Date White Men” she states, “it’s like being with the colonizer. or an oppressor. I can’t do that.” Putting the political part of this conversation aside hanging out with someone I just met through a dating app is unheard of for me. Yall have watched catfish right? lol I am not going to be the one. More importantly, as a womxn it is a safety thing for me too. Unfortunate to mention and that is the reality.

Later in the night I told him I was not going to come and thought about my pledge to say “yes to more things. Just trying to live a little more that’s all. I extensively looked this guy up on the internet. When I looked up his job the location came up as St. Louis and I was like wait, he is in KC so how is his job 4 hours away. MY HEART DROPPED
the worst possible situations were running through my head.

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Fast forward I found him on linkedin *handclap, facebook  *handclap, school he graduated from *handclap, and his bio on his employers website *handclap!!

I DO NOT PLAY THESE GAMES.

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When I was confident enough that the person on the other side of the phone was who he said he was I decided to go, and as soon as I got there I sent a text message to my best friend Fanny that stated “If you do not hear from me I am here *inserts location” she responded and said, “WHY ARE YOU BEING SKETCHY!”

Rewind, I entertained the idea after this conversation

Him: Bruh I’m new to town and I need new people to kick it with. We share political preoccupations so that’s a good start.

**I started laughing because he called me “bruh” and I am thinking, “here we freaking go…”

Why do white people feel the need to address Black people using vernacular specific to Black people. I mean in an in-group type of way…

Me: … What political preoccupations do we share?

Him: Fighting for equality and celebrating the natural beauty of all women. Not beauty in the “appealing to the male gaze” sense of the word-real beauty. The beauty of humanity that should be recognized regardless of provincial standards of what it means to be attractive.

**Some context: My profile said “Feminist AF and Black women are magic”

Moving along, when I got there he explained a Facebook conversation he was having with someone about feminism and mental illness. I enjoy intellectual conversations but the “I am really here right now when I could be in bed sleep” kept replaying in my head but I listened. I stayed for a bit and bounced.

The next day Fanny asked me what I was doing, I told her, and this was her response

Fanny: My mouth is open that you went out with a white guy lol

Here is the thing. I am trying to have more of an open mind. I told him I would not have liked him on Tinder if he was not an Alpha and I let him know that I do not interact with white men what so ever. Let’s not bring my white friends into this.

The last time I hung out with white men I was degraded and made to feel like a piece of meat. I was soooooo uncomfortable and never talk about that experience.

My relationships are more than just a preference. Politics come into play as well as my ability to be able to talk about my experiences without having to teach and explain that they are valid.

Someone once said to me, “I do not date white men because they will always find some way to call you nigger.” #Deep

I cannot remember for the life of me who mentioned that. My intention with this new relationship is to share knowledge. If he is interested in Black womxn it is important that he hears my voice. No I do not have the responsibility to teach nor do I speak for all Black womxn.

At the same time I often see the fetishization and oversexualization of Black womxn, latinx womxn, and Black men. I will also add the fetishization of bi-racial children based on physical features without thinking of the responsibilities and weight that holds.

I do not speak for all of these people and reflect on the multiple factors people of color (POC), Queer people of color (QPOC), non-binary, trans*, trans* people of color, etcetera need to consider when deciding to pursue a relationship. No they are not entitled to you or your “exotic” trophy.

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