That one friend who moved far away

Can we talk about how making friends as an adult is hard? Making friends as an adult-introvert seems to be harder, but hard is hard. I have moved full-time into the professional world and majority of my friends have as well if they were not there already. I chose to go to graduate school to stall a little bit. I was still a professional and it is different when you are a full-time graduate student.

Friends! how many of us have them?
Most of you like me may have had undergrad/grad school give you plenty of opportunities to make friends. Depending on what your profession is and the location you may have the opportunity there as well. Unfortunately, not everyone has that luxury. On top of making friends, you have to deal with everything that goes into “transitioning” into your new position, home, and community. This transition looks different for everyone and after a few conversations, I recognize there are also similarities especially being a young black woman in the middle of nowhere.

Check on your friend who moved states
Instead of making a comment about how your friend should come back ask how they are doing. Now I know that a move is challenging for both parties in the relationship and the one who moved is experiencing challenges you may not know about or understand. I am particularly talking about those who moved and have no familiar faces (friends, family, romantic partner) around them and or many people around who look like them. I was always okay with moving until now. I did not know how much I needed a familiar face to be around, but they no longer live “down the street.”

Lonely, I’m so lonely, I have nobody to call my own **Akon Voice
Am I dating myself a bit with that one? If so you might want to re-read the Whodini lyrics, but you can slide because that was before my time.

The whole process gets lonely. You start to wish for that ride or die friend that would go and do anything with you or the friend who had no issue with you just pulling up to their house. Now I know we are all getting older and your friend may be in a place where they feel lonely and need that. I also know we are all busy yada yada blah blah blah. I and others need to stop using it as an excuse to not be good friends because the world is getting uglier and I have no shame in admitting I need my friends.

I have a friend here who I go and talk with frequently while at work but we have not put in the effort to hang out outside of work and one of my closest friends is married with 3 kids, my other close friend is a guy and you know how that can be. Because of what they have going on I cannot just say, “Hey you want to go to KC today?” or “you want to come over and watch a movie?” Transitioning into the professional world especially doing so in a new state is lonely. I am an introvert who is starting to get cabin fever in a small town with not much to do. If you know me you know how much I enjoy being by myself.

How is your love life?
My best friend asked me how my love life was going recently and the conversation went something like this…

BF: How is your love life?

Me: **Searching for my love life. lol it’s non-existent. Like literally. I know I say that sometimes and I flirt with ppl here and there but there truly is nobodyyyyy

searching

BF: Are you still on tinder lol

Me: I have it on my phone but I don’t go into it. I have soul swipe as well. I do not like going into tinder because it’s just a bunch of white guys.

BF: Lmao!!! that’s why I delete it!

Me: My hope is that when I move there will be more than just white guys. Most of them look like they are in the KKK. NOT TODAY SATAN. Soul Swipe is for the chocolate lol but there is a decent one here and there. I hate the fake flexing pics and just swipe to the left.

BF: What’s a fake flexing pic?!

Moral of the story is that there is no potential in sight or around me. Not having that I decided to take more time to reflect, heal, and appreciate my growth and I am still doing those things. I know that I have wanted to date and I truly feel like I am ready for the first time in my life. One year in the middle of nowhere can have some benefits.

“I got new rules, I count em” Dua Lipa

The one friend around the corner
Do not forget your friend who is not that far away because they need a friend too. I try to check on my friend Brenna, but I do not do so as often as I could. I am using Brenna as an example because she knows what I am talking about. We have had conversations around the challenge of making adult friends and being strong women who have pushed ourselves to be where we are now. She is in a profession where the only (well not only but mainly) thing in sight is a white man and I am in an office where I am the only young professional.

Check on your people. I know I could do a better job of this. If they moved away, appreciate their determination to experience something new. Aside from my close friends and a few family members I had no attachment to Colorado, no home. I lived in Colorado most of my life and at times I want to go back but every time something says “no, not right now” and maybe that “not now” means never. Moving has been lonely and particularly challenging when you put in more effort to see people than they do to see you. I still appreciate yall when you do check up on me, but lets be real you know what my place looks like because of snapchat. Before you go getting mad now that I have called you out, I know.

Go ahead and send that, “how you doing text?” and for some who may be thinking to send that, “hey big head” text, do not because us women do not have time for your games. #NEXT

Unboxed

Unboxed

You think you know me?
Stereotypes tied with your unmalleable mind is no match for a queen
Guerra
Peliadora
Carrying the spirit of my ancestors
Walking rebelliously in solidarity with my kin
Decaying box with my name on it starving from my resistance
I have not fed it the assimilation it needs to survive

**I do not have any rights to the picture that was used.

Follow me on twitter and Instagram: @theeKWard
Add me on snapchat: @Tormentadesol13

SAHEcation: Orlando, Florida Edition

The other day I was enjoying the nice humid 91degree weather with a 40% chance of rain in Orlando, Florida. Palm trees, lake, and a strange bird was in my view that I have yet to identify. Nothing says vacay like 14 dollars and 57 cents left in your bank account. Why was May such a rough month financially? I guess I can say goodbye to my budget that went to sh*t. So I may or may not have been lucky to be there, but I am thankful. Because my recent need to get away for my mental health I have found my vacation fund depleted. For another round of, “where did my money go?” I will blame it on the fact that I live in the middle of nowhere and it was challenging to find rides to my various destinations this week and next week that I have found myself “ripped off.”

Where was I going with this?

Oh yeah.

Is there another version of “I got hoes in different area codes” that I could apply to my friends? Wait, they are not my hoes we just come from many places across the United Sates hence my desire to use area codes. Shoutout to Ludacris because that is essentially my life.

I enjoy traveling which is why it is a line item under “Savings” in my budget. I had the opportunity to see a friend who I have not had the chance to sit next to in over a year. His car got towed in the process, haha, talk about Hello! he is not mad so I feel like I can freely tell you all about this experience and laugh about it.

Grad school has provided me with more than an education. It has provided me with a great group of friends doing amazing work. I almost cried when I arrived when everyone got up to hug me and offered me a smile while shouting my name. I had a rough week and I want them to know I appreciated that moment more than I can express with words.

I know traveling provides you with a certain social capital that not everyone has the privilege of obtaining. At any rate, Florida is in the books, Colorado is next, and then Washington. Two new states in two weeks =)

“Travel and change of place impart new vigor to the mind” Seneca

Follow me on Twitter and Instagram: @TheeKWard

It’s Lit: Professionalism microscope with a dash of sin

I do not know about you, but I like to have 1 or 2 or 3 or 4 drinks, before I know it I could be drinking a whole bottle of wine or tequila *wink. I am only kidding on the bottle of tequila, but whatever floats your boat as long as you are safe and within your limit.

I am 25 going on 26 and I am currently walking on a thin tightrope. Tightropes seem to be thin anyway, but I will leave the “thin” just for your wondrous imagination. I have moved into the full-time professional world and if you ask me, what is professionalism anyway? In many aspects, it tries to put you in a box and as you walk towards the box you hear a faint voice in the distance saying “assimilation… conformity” Who wants that? not to mention the classism among other things that come into play when talking about professionalism.

Moving into the professional world as someone who is young you may feel the watchful eye behind your back. Yes, we should all be great examples and we all want to live too and or just have a drink when we want to have a drink. Just because people do not see everything I do that does not mean I am better than the next person. I can be described as someone who has “no chill” and yes I am very much an introvert and rule follower. What is life without breaking some rules? just a life without breaking rules and therefore you do not get the opportunity to see how much they bend.

Breaking rules do not necessarily mean breaking the law or doing anything that could potentially get you arrested. That last sentence alone could have me go on a rant about the justice system, but not the time or place. Sometimes you have to break the rules to get to where you want to be or break your own rules so you can live beyond your comfort zone.

By saying I occasionally get drunk, have been high before, not a virgin, known to curse up a storm or whatever else you feel may be “unholy” or “taboo” is letting you know that I have indulged in things that some see as sin or unprofessional.

But again, what is professionalism anyway…

Letting Go: The end is knowing

Letting Go: The end is knowing

#Haiku “Letting Go”
No questions let go
Your worth will shine and capture
By then you will know

Slowly I have been letting things go and taking a step back from thoughts that have kept my mind from being free. I have declared 2017 as the year I will say yes to more experiences, let go of things that I have held onto for too long, let go of pain while being honest about my wounds, and letting go of anything toxic. I owe all of this to myself. If I was to give this year a theme it would be “The Year of Healing.”

Through this process, I am actively taking steps to recognize when I need to take a step back. I am reflective in this way. I enjoy being able to reflect and process my experiences, different situations, emotions, etc… and love it when I have the ability to talk about it among my friends. Reflection is such a powerful tool. At times I tend to overthink and I know how to pull myself back in.

Communication is so important to me and sometimes I struggle with it. One thing I mentioned awhile back is that I will say what I need to even if I hesitate and cry to get whatever it is out. Those may not be the exact words, but I hope you catch my drift.

I want to make this year the year that I invest more in myself and what I like to do. Part of that for me is letting go and knowing how to be kinder to myself. Be kind to yourself because society steps on your back enough. We all have our reasons why we are hard on yourself. I have good reasons and I know it is okay to give myself a break.

Throughout our life we will not always get the answers we seek when we seek them, sometimes they come to us at a later time down our path. You may feel that you need to let something go, but not know why. Listen to your intuition. Have the hard conversation, let the grudge go, let the skeletons out of the closet, change, grow, invest in yourself, heal, experience…

Most importantly, DO YOU!

**I did not take the featured image and have no rights to the photo.

Relationships or lack there of: It is you, not me.

Relationships or lack there of: It is you, not me.

It is you, not me. I thought I was the reason why things were not working out with the guys I was trying to pursue. After awhile I would get to a place where I recognized it was not, but the continuous heartache did/does not change.

I still hold myself accountable to some degree. I do hold on hoping for something and I realized this is mostly not my fault. 

There was a guy I met at a wedding and as much as I was attracted to him I was interested in where he was going. Not to figure out if I would be able to be on that journey with him but learn from him as some part of me was questioning myself. As much as I pitched being a friend he was not having it. To me he is a creative which pulled me in. Fast forward (this did not last long) he said, “it is not like the feeling is not mutual. I recently got out of a relationship and you do not deserve to be the butt of someone’s baggage, you deserve more” I may have sent one more text to him after that and that was it. Mind you this was a year ago. 

Have you ever met someone you immediately decide to admire from afar? That was him.

Moving on to now I did not realize how much that message would help me. I kept trying to figure out why it seems like I keep stretching myself and getting left in the dust as I mentioned. I know, I KNOW I have something to offer. It was not about me holding on, it was about being dragged along with false hope. I could not step outside and see the situations for what they were. My point is if we can be adults and be honest then I have no issue turning the other way. 

Recently aka yesterday another guy I was talking to mentioned he is getting involved with someone, and I was thankful he decided to basically say “hey I am going this way.” Great!

At this point, I have sent a few messages to the past trying to get over pain that was still there. One of those conversations went better than I could have imagined but I was not surprised. This person and I were always able to stop whatever we were doing and have a conversation. Whenever I wanted to have a conversation it was when and where? Not that things stop for me all the time and I do not like lingering on issues and being ignored. However, I know everyone does not operate the same. 

That night I was writing in my journal debating whether to ignore the call when I saw his name. Just sending the message and being done would not have been enough for me and I know that deep down. He knew that deep down. I NEED ANSWERS lol. More than ever I recognize how important it is to lean into pain and not ignore it. None of that “I could care less, onto the next one” type of talk because that’s not me. In my opinion I need to give myself time to heal. 

Last week I started walking down that path and coming face to face with anything I need to deal with. It is not like I do not engage in healing and I recognize I always need to dig deeper. 

Everyday and always I need not forget that I am magic *hair flip

Know that you are a QUEEN and nothing else.