It’s Lit: Professionalism microscope with a dash of sin

I do not know about you, but I like to have 1 or 2 or 3 or 4 drinks, before I know it I could be drinking a whole bottle of wine or tequila *wink. I am only kidding on the bottle of tequila, but whatever floats your boat as long as you are safe and within your limit.

I am 25 going on 26 and I am currently walking on a thin tightrope. Tightropes seem to be thin anyway, but I will leave the “thin” just for your wondrous imagination. I have moved into the full-time professional world and if you ask me, what is professionalism anyway? In many aspects, it tries to put you in a box and as you walk towards the box you hear a faint voice in the distance saying “assimilation… conformity” Who wants that? not to mention the classism among other things that come into play when talking about professionalism.

Moving into the professional world as someone who is young you may feel the watchful eye behind your back. Yes, we should all be great examples and we all want to live too and or just have a drink when we want to have a drink. Just because people do not see everything I do that does not mean I am better than the next person. I can be described as someone who has “no chill” and yes I am very much an introvert and rule follower. What is life without breaking some rules? just a life without breaking rules and therefore you do not get the opportunity to see how much they bend.

Breaking rules do not necessarily mean breaking the law or doing anything that could potentially get you arrested. That last sentence alone could have me go on a rant about the justice system, but not the time or place. Sometimes you have to break the rules to get to where you want to be or break your own rules so you can live beyond your comfort zone.

By saying I occasionally get drunk, have been high before, not a virgin, known to curse up a storm or whatever else you feel may be “unholy” or “taboo” is letting you know that I have indulged in things that some see as sin or unprofessional.

But again, what is professionalism anyway…

The Fight with Depression

Song: Easier x Mansionair

Today I am going to be vulnerable with you. Vulnerability allows me to connect on a deeper level with you and the universe. Parts of this I need to be out there. For those of you that are not aware I have dealt with depression for awhile now. For the lack of a better explanation it comes and goes and I say that because it is not as easy as that explanation sounds.

It has torn me apart at times when I just wanted to escape. If you are wondering I have thought about killing myself. I am tearing up as I say this. During those times I am not really sure what keeps me here or going.

One thing I am beyond grateful for are the people in my life that are still right by my side. Being an introvert who deals with depression is challenging too because sometimes someone will ask if you are depressed or ask whats wrong and you are perfectly fine and want them to go away. Just to be alone and have peace.

Anyway, if you have been in a battle with depression I commend you for getting out of bed today. Do not let anyone bring you down for just getting out of bed. For those beautiful souls who completed suicide I stand by you. People will judge and people will wonder why. Know that depression is not a “just get over it” situation. Support those who you know are in the same battle even if they do not show it they will appreciate it.

Below is one poem I wrote at a time I was fighting depression.

Trapped, like the man behind bars for a crime he did not commit
Her mind is racing in a room full of people
Who does she turn to?
The darkness is felt in her chest running through her veins as she coughs to catch a breath
Is her heart beating?
Wandering aimlessly in a dark hole she searches for the light
The walls close in, her chest gets tighter, the bars appear, she is alone
She relates with where she is at, but she wants happiness
No more crying, no more pain, no more anger
Just pure happiness
All alone seeking answers how does she create happiness
Never truly attainable she things about the time she cut her writst
Not too deep, but just enough to feel again
Enough to remember the sensation to never do it again
Is her heart beating?