SAHEcation: Orlando, Florida Edition

The other day I was enjoying the nice humid 91degree weather with a 40% chance of rain in Orlando, Florida. Palm trees, lake, and a strange bird was in my view that I have yet to identify. Nothing says vacay like 14 dollars and 57 cents left in your bank account. Why was May such a rough month financially? I guess I can say goodbye to my budget that went to sh*t. So I may or may not have been lucky to be there, but I am thankful. Because my recent need to get away for my mental health I have found my vacation fund depleted. For another round of, “where did my money go?” I will blame it on the fact that I live in the middle of nowhere and it was challenging to find rides to my various destinations this week and next week that I have found myself “ripped off.”

Where was I going with this?

Oh yeah.

Is there another version of “I got hoes in different area codes” that I could apply to my friends? Wait, they are not my hoes we just come from many places across the United Sates hence my desire to use area codes. Shoutout to Ludacris because that is essentially my life.

I enjoy traveling which is why it is a line item under “Savings” in my budget. I had the opportunity to see a friend who I have not had the chance to sit next to in over a year. His car got towed in the process, haha, talk about Hello! he is not mad so I feel like I can freely tell you all about this experience and laugh about it.

Grad school has provided me with more than an education. It has provided me with a great group of friends doing amazing work. I almost cried when I arrived when everyone got up to hug me and offered me a smile while shouting my name. I had a rough week and I want them to know I appreciated that moment more than I can express with words.

I know traveling provides you with a certain social capital that not everyone has the privilege of obtaining. At any rate, Florida is in the books, Colorado is next, and then Washington. Two new states in two weeks =)

“Travel and change of place impart new vigor to the mind” Seneca

Follow me on Twitter and Instagram: @TheeKWard

Yesterday I was told “No”

“I choose to be happy”
One of the many affirmation cards that sit on my desk. If I have learned anything in the past year it is this, it is okay to be patient until you get what you want. In other words, wait for the right fuel (I wonder how many times I have said this to myself and in my post already, I need a constant reminder). Coincidentally, as I lift the next card up it states, “It is ok for me to have everything I WANT.”

Yesterday I was told “No”
A normal response this time last year would be some feelings of discouragement. However, this time around I was happy, weirdly happy. Maybe it is not weird at all. I know that if I was told yes I would have continued a process where I was settling. A door was closed and I know that something better for me is waiting behind another door; as cliche as it sounds.

Moving to Missouri has been particularly challenging. Not the moving part, but what I have experienced while here. Despite the mental exhaustion and dragging myself out of bed each day, I do not think I made the wrong choice by any means. After a few hard conversations, I know a new chapter awaits.

My life is currently similar to the cursor I see on my screen. It is waiting for me to write my next chapter and the difference this time is that there is no script. The only guidelines are what I need to be happy, thriving, and my definition of successful.

Therefore, I leave you with this…

“We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us” supposedly said by someone named Joseph Campbell

Potential mediocrity meets the wandering mind: One-way stop

Have you ever felt like you are sitting in a place of complacency? Have you felt like changing your trajectory, but the steps to walk that way are unclear?

Maya Angelou said, “nothing will work unless you do.” So here you are trying to figure out what you want to accomplish next and looking for your next challenge to grow while climbing to leave a place where you feel mediocre. Maybe most of your connections are in one area and you are trying to figure out how to build a wider network.

What might get you the most is that you feel that you do not have anyone to talk to about where you would like to go next. Knowing that your journey is your own you still juggle the concept of time in your mind. Am I where I am supposed to be?

You want more for yourself and realize you have internalized messages that told you, who you are and how far you will go. Doubt at this point may have set in. Although doubt may have set in you use your mental power to combat those messages while letting yourself know that you can. Because you cannot spell “can’t” without “can” am I right? maybe not enough cans in one sentence.

As you continue your journey you come to a stop sign down a one-way road. Forward is where you want to be and behind you is where you are at. Thus, you are met with the inevitable notion of experience. Do you have enough? Do you have more than enough? You are expected to have this and if you do not you must teach yourself or be taught. You might ask, “why am I not able to jump right in? Sorry, it does not work that way and people have become too lazy with more trust in technology. Yes, we want people to have experience with something such as being a surgeon or do you want to hop on the hospital bed with someone wanting to “try it out”? My immediate guess is your answer is, no.

Whoever you are or wherever you are you get what you put out in the universe. Maybe it is not asking if you are where you are supposed to be, but making a statement that you are going where you need and or want to be. Maybe instead of complacency you are transitioning and want to be set when you may just be getting started. However, do not settle for mediocrity. Do not settle for the person society wants you to be either. Find yourself and find purpose through reflection. On your way do not forget to be present and enjoy where you are!

Be the one who turns the one-way into a four-way (all-way) and does not turn back

 

 

Relationships or lack there of: It is you, not me.

Relationships or lack there of: It is you, not me.

It is you, not me. I thought I was the reason why things were not working out with the guys I was trying to pursue. After awhile I would get to a place where I recognized it was not, but the continuous heartache did/does not change.

I still hold myself accountable to some degree. I do hold on hoping for something and I realized this is mostly not my fault. 

There was a guy I met at a wedding and as much as I was attracted to him I was interested in where he was going. Not to figure out if I would be able to be on that journey with him but learn from him as some part of me was questioning myself. As much as I pitched being a friend he was not having it. To me he is a creative which pulled me in. Fast forward (this did not last long) he said, “it is not like the feeling is not mutual. I recently got out of a relationship and you do not deserve to be the butt of someone’s baggage, you deserve more” I may have sent one more text to him after that and that was it. Mind you this was a year ago. 

Have you ever met someone you immediately decide to admire from afar? That was him.

Moving on to now I did not realize how much that message would help me. I kept trying to figure out why it seems like I keep stretching myself and getting left in the dust as I mentioned. I know, I KNOW I have something to offer. It was not about me holding on, it was about being dragged along with false hope. I could not step outside and see the situations for what they were. My point is if we can be adults and be honest then I have no issue turning the other way. 

Recently aka yesterday another guy I was talking to mentioned he is getting involved with someone, and I was thankful he decided to basically say “hey I am going this way.” Great!

At this point, I have sent a few messages to the past trying to get over pain that was still there. One of those conversations went better than I could have imagined but I was not surprised. This person and I were always able to stop whatever we were doing and have a conversation. Whenever I wanted to have a conversation it was when and where? Not that things stop for me all the time and I do not like lingering on issues and being ignored. However, I know everyone does not operate the same. 

That night I was writing in my journal debating whether to ignore the call when I saw his name. Just sending the message and being done would not have been enough for me and I know that deep down. He knew that deep down. I NEED ANSWERS lol. More than ever I recognize how important it is to lean into pain and not ignore it. None of that “I could care less, onto the next one” type of talk because that’s not me. In my opinion I need to give myself time to heal. 

Last week I started walking down that path and coming face to face with anything I need to deal with. It is not like I do not engage in healing and I recognize I always need to dig deeper. 

Everyday and always I need not forget that I am magic *hair flip

Know that you are a QUEEN and nothing else.

Does your effort match your dreams?

Does your effort match your dreams?

Does your effort match your dreams? Take a moment to sit with this question…

I was asked this question over the weekend, more like yesterday. The reality is that my effort does not currently match my dreams. I do not want to say I am comfortable because I have not been out of graduate school for a year yet.
I may have spoke about this in my first post, but majority of my life I have been in survival mode. I am not saying this is an excuse I am saying I now have the time to figure out who I am. Over the past couple years I have engaged in a lot of self-reflection stemming from my experiences growing up and how I show up in the world. The difference now is that I am looking at things that I have always loved to do and researching how I can make those things a reality for myself. 

Totally related and or unrelated depending on your perspective but I was in RESPOND Mental health training last week and a couple people came up to me inquiring about the same thing. They both asked if I had a counseling background. One of them was a counselor and mentioned (in so many words) that I have this way about me that says “counselor.”

Once upon a time, I wanted to be a counselor. Throughout the majority of my undergrad I was planning to get my masters in counseling and go from there. I have heard similar comments before so I at least know it was sincere. I no longer have plans to be a counselor and I asked myself, “does skill=purpose?” 

Naturally we have some skill, something we are good at that we can develop, and in other areas we need to work twice as hard to develop a skill. I am assuming Steph Curry had some game when he started ballin’ and then continued to develop that. He or someone else recognized his abilities and chose to beleive in him and he chose to beleive in himself. Thus, did he see that skill as his purpose? I guess I should ask if he sees basketball as his purpose in the first place. Likewise, I have a skill and or skills that a say “counselor” and I do not necessarily know if that is my purpose.

Back to my point about survival mode. I have been in survival mode majority of my life which did not allow me the opportunity to sit with myself, be with myself, and figure out what I would like to do with my life. Yes I had a goal and I had a passion for where I am at right now and something else is trying to send a message. 

I hope to use the next few months to dig deep and listen to what I am trying to tell myself. Listen to yourself and ask if your dreams match your effort. Don’t have “champagne dreams with beer effort.” 

More importantly do not let your need to stay afloat prevent you from getting to know who you are. 

Adventure awaits

Wanderer keep faith
Be still between here and there
Life is waiting, go

#MondayNightHaiku

P.S. I am missing Barcelona so it is only right that I post a picture. I cannot take the credit because I got it off of google. One day I will be back and eating choripan while sippin’ sangria at the beach.

barca

Embrace where you are: The beauty of trees

black-art

Be open and honest about where you are at. I was given the metaphor of a tree and how it relates to our being. Have you thought about the teachings of a tree? I am sure if we stop to think about all that mother nature provides we would learn many lessons.

The nourishment of the tree’s roots affects what you see above ground. We are the same. We can project to others how we want them to see us, but eventually the lack of nourishment shows. Most of the time it shows in small ways we cannot always recognize. The lack of attending to our needs hurts us. You can be selfish and selfless. Often selfishness is looked at negatively without the consideration of what neglecting our needs does to our being.

I am guilty of doing this and I continue to think more consciously about how I am treating myself. The point is this. Take care of your roots. I hope this can be a reminder. Do something that will let you know daily that you matter and are important.

Part of nourishing your being is letting go of the roots that are dead. Letting go of anything that poisons your roots. Giving yourself the ability to grow and let in what you otherwise might have shut out. Broadening who you are and your being

It is okay to be open and honest with yourself about where you are at. It is okay to work on yourself and give your roots the water they need. It is okay to communicate that and live it!