Me too.

I want to preface this by saying that some of the content within this post may be triggering.

If at any point during this post you are not able to read more or you can resonate in some way with what I am saying, I am here for you. Last week, I was in Green Dot training, which was lovely because I got to get away from the office and wear whatever I wanted. Yay! for sweats and hoodies. Anywho, I decided to participate in order to become more knowledgeable about Green Dot and power-based personal violence and Green Dot focuses on dating/domestic violence, stalking, and sexual assault.

Last week, the facilitators had us share why we were there and in what ways we were connected to the work they are doing. More importantly, how were we connected to the work that we wanted to do and are doing. We remained anonymous through this activity and at different points throughout the training the facilitators read what people wrote out loud. I sat there thinking, “will they read what I wrote? I hope they do not read what I wrote, I hope they do read what I wrote.” I had a mix of thoughts as I was juggling a past situation(s) in my head. When I think about one particular situation it feels as if it was yesterday, but more time has passed than I would like to admit without me truly talking about it and other situations along the same lines.

Was I sexually assaulted? I did not like what was happening, but I was not able to bring myself to say no and I did not say yes either. “It was not the worst situation I have heard of so does that really count?” I am battling with being in this gray area and that is the very reason why I sit here in front of this computer screen telling you today. One too many people have been affected by a harmful choice that was made. Maybe as you are reading, what you wanted to keep locked away is now at the forefront of your mind. Maybe you were in an uncomfortable situation that is within the gray area that you brush any thoughts and emotions around it aside like I have. Whatever the situation I am here to tell you, I believe you. I am here to tell you that I see you and support you. I am also here to tell you there are resources. 1-800-799-7233 (National Domestic Violence Hotline), 1-800-656-4673 (National Sexual Assault Hotline), 1-800-273-8255 (Suicide Hotline).

“Why am I here? because I am still here.”

That is the first part of what I wrote down on a green piece of paper that day for the activity.

They Never Asked

Dear [Insert Name Here],
They took a part of you they did not ask for
Who did they think they were?
No, was foreign to them and if you did not have the ability to say no your body language that said “I am uncomfortable” somehow told them yes
They took a part of you they did not ask for but you are not broken
Your body is nothing less than a temple no matter how much they tried to strip you of your armor
It is not your fault
I repeat
IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT
They took a part of you they did not ask for and it may feel lonely but you are not alone
They took a part of me and I never gave them permission
Did you know you could feel lifeless while being alive?
Did you know you could scream without being heard?
I became an object
Fighting to erase their images it is a connection I could not wash off
As I write this tears start to fall and I stare blankly
A feeling all too familiar, emptiness
They took a part of me they did not ask for but I am still here
They took a part of me they did not ask for and I have yet to face what happened because… well because it is easier to keep walking around putting tape over the missing pieces
They took a part of me they did not ask for and they will never know what it is like to live with this internal battle

They took a part of me they did not ask for

       and

I know

that I am

worthy of

                                                love.

“She’s Good, Being Gone”

Heyyyyyy! I hope I was not too missed, but I hope I was missed a little. If I did not say so I would be lying and I would like to think what we have going on is deeper than that. Life is a blur since the last time I posted and not in the sense that I had a lot going on. Summer was boring and tough because I did not get an opportunity to escape from Maryville except for a job interview that I had back in early July. I did not get the job and I am sad I used my vacation hours on them. I have been away because I am working on another project, and then I said to myself, “uh you can do both.” I could potentially be back because my friend told me she misses my blogs as well.

I am now 26 years old and life could be better. I hope the universe understands that I have learned enough lessons and would like to start the next chapter of my life now, haha. 2017 is almost over and at the end of the day, I am happy that Sonic and I are going on 3 years. If you do not know who Sonic is you are missing out. Sonic is a little Toyota, Scion XD.

I do not expect life to be perfect but after all of the BS you kind of hope you could live in lala land with glitters and rainbows for a little while and maybe Charlie the unicorn just to bring you back to earth. I may have cried today and that is okay. I recently wrote something and put it up on Instagram that said: “pain taught her most of what she knows.” When I wrote that it hit me hard in a good way because it is true. I recognize pain as a friend and not something that is bad. Pain is telling you something and you should listen. Adopting this ideology about pain has deepened my reflection. Considering where I have been and the hell I currently am in it makes sense for my life. You do what you want, I am here to provide perspective.

I am wary of people who present themselves as good at every waking moment. I am not saying it is not good to be positive because it is. I strive to be as positive as I can be and recognize that when life is crap I sit in it. If I do not sit in it then it sits there and does not go away. I assume if I sat in literal crap some of it would be stuck to my butt so you catch my drift. Optimistic-realist is what I self-proclaim to be.

A recent mantra and affirmation I recite is “Where I am at now is not the end” because I refuse and believe more good/growth is to come.

P.S. I love Rihanna’s new makeup and was mainly excited about it because it dropped on my birthday =)

Follow me on Insta & Twitter: @TheeKWard

 

Night

Night

Standing in her fears
Dare she relish in her dreams
Conquering the world

#Haiku #Poetry #Ratri #Goddess #MondayNightHaiku

Follow me on Twitter and Instagram: @theekward

**I do not own any rights to the picture used in this post.

Unboxed

Unboxed

You think you know me?
Stereotypes tied with your unmalleable mind is no match for a queen
Guerra
Peliadora
Carrying the spirit of my ancestors
Walking rebelliously in solidarity with my kin
Decaying box with my name on it starving from my resistance
I have not fed it the assimilation it needs to survive

**I do not have any rights to the picture that was used.

Follow me on twitter and Instagram: @theeKWard
Add me on snapchat: @Tormentadesol13

Radiantly Gold

Sun-kissed Skin
Radiant as a sunflower
Nothing comes close to the way her melanin glows
Her Steez
Uncomparable
Her walk
Her talk
Her smile
She is gold♦♦

 

Follow me on twitter and Instagram: @TheeKWard